I sent my crack investigative reporter, Rufus McGurkey, to Washington to go behind the scenes to find out what was happening in the fiscal cliff negotiations. Because of the high level secrecy going on behind closed door it was necessary to employ the services of Rufus's deranged nephew, Mordecai. As insolent and obnoxious as he was, his invisibility invention was just what we needed. Sometimes, desperate times requires desperate means.
Rufus decided the best place to start was right at the top so he sent Mordecai to the Oval Office. He had learned not to trust Mordecai's verbal reports so this time Mordecai was outfitted with a live camera and sound system. Mordecai entered the room.
The President and the Secretary of the Treasury were sitting on either side of the Resolute Desk. Their feet were resting on top the desk as they leaned back in their chairs and smoked their cigars. "Well, Timmy, we sure did fool them again. Another four years to work our liberal will and nothing to stop us."
"Yeah Boss. Those suckers...er, voters...never knew what hit them. Axelrod and his boys sure pulled the wool over their eyes." All of a sudden a piece of ash fell from his cigar and he leaned over to pick it up.
"Timmy, leave that there. The servants will pick that up when we are through."
"But Boss, aren't we supposed to be the party of the little people, the downtrodden, the forgotten class...you know...all the people who voted for us? Shouldn't we show them some respect and pick up after ourselves? After all, we convince them to put us back in office."
"My boy, my boy! What we say on the campaign trail is unimportant as long as we win. The real important thing is how to live a regal life far away from the struggling serfs out there. So relax and enjoy the perks of office."
"Sure Boss, I get it. What they don't know won't hurt them. We can go out every once in a while, make an announcement as if we care and then leave them alone to figure how to make their own living."
"Now you got it. Tell me what is the reason you asked to see me today?"
Timmy suddenly turned serious. "It's that damn deficit and debt problem again. The last time we used the sequester ploy to get the voters off of our backs. They bought it hook, line and sinker. But it is now time to actually make those cuts and Congress is squealing about their pet projects just as we thought they would. So here we go again...the Republicans want the Bush tax cuts to remain for all taxpayers, the Democrats won't budge on entitlement reform...and in the meantime we are up against a new debt ceiling."
The President blew some cigar smoke across the desk. "Don't worry about it, Timmy Boy. I am going to go on television again and scare the bejesus out of the public. When I get through bashing the wealthy they will be lucky not to be tarred and feathered if they appear in public."
Timmy looked delighted then said "Just one more thing, Mr. President. Every time we have another deficit we have to ask Congress to raise the debt ceiling. That is time consuming. Why don't we just pass an unlimited debt ceiling so Congress can spend whatever they want to spend?"
Now the President turned serious. "Timmy, if I do that now. I won't be able to demonize the Republicans every year. By bringing it up every year, I can have Harry Reid attach something to the legislation that will cost a great deal of taxpayers money. If the Republicans fight the legislation because of the increase in spending, I can then go to the public and accuse them of putting the nation's credit rating at risk...you know, the old scare tactic."
"But won't the public be angry if there is additional spending attached to the legislation?"
"Of course they won't. The spending will be something aimed at handing some cash out to my special interest groups. When they see that they will be more than happy to support my position and, of course, vote for Democrats in the future."
"Brilliant, Mr. President, absolutely brilliant."
"Of course, Timmy Boy. That's what I do. Now get along and get back to your office to finish that Monopoly game you were playing."